Facebook is all abuzz with an article telling the tales of shirtless wonders in CrossFit gyms across America. While our love for our fellow CrossFitters can’t be hampered by their inability to stay clothed it’s imperative that we tell our side.
Not all of us belong in the pantheon of shirtless deities.
Here’s why we stay on Team Blouses.
1) Moobs. Where once stood a pair of majestic piles of pectoral mass now sits a couple of sandbags who look like they just found out Miley Cyrus is their Mom.
2) Body hair. I used to suspect that what was formerly my hairline was lost forever. It’s becoming apparent that the hair has simply relocated to various other body parts. For unknown reason the area residing directly over my kidneys has turned into a Florida trailer park for retired and relocated hair.
In a prior age I manscaped year round but it became too taxing for my clippers so we’ve cut back to summer months only.
Just because I workout in “The Jungle” doesn’t mean anybody needs to see an actual Gorilla.
3) Stretch Marks. Kat Williams has no problems with stretch marks. I personally have problem with them. But I’ll spare you the distraction of my purple hued armpit Rorschach mid-WOD.
4) Poor Suspension. While the shirtless masses may have skin that handles like a Lotus Elise, all tight and responsive, the rest of us run the gamut between a ‘65 Impala and an ‘94 Dodge Caravan. It always starts, it does what you need it to. But damnit things bounce, jiggle and wiggle when we change direction.
The ‘65 Impala is one of the greatest cars of all time but if you send it around the Nurburgring it’s gonna be a sh*t show.
5) Adipose Tissue. Years of chocolate chip cookies, dark beer and unfortunate genes have combined forces to assemble an army of fatty tissue that rivals the that of the ancient Persians. Unleash this force at your own peril.
6) Pale. This is Northern Indiana. My pasty white underbelly hasn’t seen the light of sun in 100 fortnights. If it weren’t for the aforementioned body hair I could double as a night light. I am approximately 1 shade from Egon and Venkman hitting me with the backpack lasers.
7) Real Men Have Curves. Society has been slow to embrace my efforts to push this RMHC initiatives to gain acceptance for those of us with some extra cushion.
While most men suffer from a very serious disorder known as “NoAssAtAll” The God’s have seen fit to bless me with stout trunks and an ample posterior that requires pants be purchased a size larger to accommodate them. A blessing on squat day. Or Deadlift day. Or moving day. Or really any other day…
There ya go. Just a few of the reason that I shroud my raw, unbridled man-ness throughout every workout. It is for the good of the gym…neigh…humanity that I save my shirtless escapades for the WalMart produce aisle and 2 AM jogs through the neighbors yard.
*This is supposed to be in good fun. If you take this seriously I’m shaving my back in your kitchen.*